The Masks We Wear: The Link Between Attachment & Authenticity
As children, many of us love masks. Whether they’re spooky costumes at Halloween, art projects at school, or used to prank our siblings, masks are a way to play and pretend.
As adults, many of us still wear masks. Maybe we smile as we’re holding back tears. Maybe we swallow our truth to avoid conflict. Perhaps we respond, “I’m fine,” when we’re anything but, or shrink into spaces and places that don’t feel like a good fit. These masks can protect us, but they also distance us from our true selves.
So, how did we get here? Where did we learn this stuff, and how can we unlearn to become more authentic and aligned?
In this blog, we’re examining these questions, talking about attachment vs. authenticity, and how somatic therapy in Golden, Colorado, can help you learn to be connected and authentic.
Why We Hide: Understanding Attachment and Authenticity
Humans (and all mammals) are hard-wired for connection. As Dr. Gabor Mate and other attachment theorists describe, attachment — our need for safety, belonging, and love — is a biological imperative. As children, our survival depends on it.
But sometimes authenticity — expressing what we feel, want, or need — threatens that attachment, particularly with our primary caregivers. If a child’s anger, sadness, big emotions, or unique spirit leads to disappointment, withdrawal, or conflict, the child learns to suppress those parts of themselves.
Over time, this message gets internalized: Parts of me are not welcome here.
So we learn to adapt. We begin to play a part — the “easy child, the “achiever,” the “helper,” the “comedian,” the “caretaker.” Each identity becomes a kind of mask that helps us maintain connection with others, but at the cost of closeness with ourselves.
What Happens When We Live Out of Alignment
When our sense of self is built on what others expect rather than what we really feel, we often experience tension — physical, emotional, spiritual, and relational.
This tension might look like:
Feeling exhausted by social situations that require constant self-editing.
Struggling to identify what we actually want or need.
Experiencing anxiety, people-pleasing, or perfectionism as “normal.”
Feeling unseen or misunderstood, even in relationships that seem “good on paper.”
Turning to behaviors, experiences, or substances to soothe.
Sensing a quiet emptiness beneath the surface of joyful moments.
Doubting or blocking our own success or happiness.
These are signs we might be performing for connection rather than living from authenticity.
The paradox here is that authenticity, too, is a deep human need. We all long to be known, to be seen, to be understood, and to be accepted as who we are — not as who we pretend to be. But when attachment and authenticity collide, attachment usually wins. At least, until we learn another way.
Relearning Realness as Adults
Healing can begin when we acknowledge that the masks we wear have served a purpose. They were brilliant adaptations, not fatal flaws. They helped us survive, bond, belong, and navigate systems and circumstances that couldn’t always hold our truth.
But as adults, we can relearn — reclaim —what we’ve been hiding. Living in authenticity doesn’t mean abandoning attachment; it means creating connections where both safety and truth can coexist.
Authentic living might look like:
Noticing when you agree to something out of fear rather than alignment.
Allowing uncomfortable emotions to surface without labeling or judging them.
Practicing small, honest disclosures like, “I feel really nervous right now,” or “What you said upset me.”
Choosing connections that welcome and embrace the full spectrum of your humanity.
Honoring the voice inside that says, “Maybe this isn’t me anymore.”
Practicing small acts of honesty can create new neural and emotional pathways — pathways that prove it’s possible to be both connected and authentic.
How Therapy Helps us Come Home to Ourselves
Psychotherapy in Golden, Colorado, can offer a safe space to explore what our early attachments taught us about being accepted — and acceptable. At Reclamation Psychotherapy, I help my clients untangle the tension between attachment and authenticity with compassion and curiosity. Together we can begin to understand the origins of your “masks,” practice vulnerability and authenticity in real time, and build relationships rooted in genuine connection rather than performance or pretending.
Living in authenticity isn’t a costume change or a flip of a switch. It’s a homecoming. It’s a remembering, a reintroduction, a reclamation of who you are.
Reclaiming the Space to Be Real
The masks we wear aren’t meant to be torn off in one motion. They’re meant to be understood, honored, and set aside. And healing doesn’t mean erasing the version of you that adapted to survive. It means integrating them into a whole, aligned, authentic self that no longer has to choose between being safe and being real.
If you’re interested in learning how somatic therapy in Golden, Colorado, can help you learn to drop the masks, reach out to me today. Together, we’ll lead you into authenticity.